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what can I say?

I'm a flirt. I'll probably always be a flirt, who knows? I was considering asking this guy out, but then it occured to me, why? Sure I like him, and he's a cool person, but I don't think I need that right now. It might get in the way of what I'm trying to accomplish. I know I'm going to go back and forth with this issue, and very well may end up dating someone this year, but I'm not in a hurry. There are plenty of ways to enjoy people without being involved romanticly. Honestly, there really isn't much romance in highschool anymore, it's all hormones and bad self-esteem. I want more than that. I want to find someone- a guy- who is stable. I wont be the deffinition of their sanity, because really, I don't feel up to that. There is so much I want to do, that being someone's soul priority in life is a complete turn-off. But even so, I'd like a guy to get the nerve to ask me out. Why does it always have to be me that gets the courage to say "hey how 'bout it" well how about you grow a pair and buck up the nerve to talk to me ass-wipe?
Don't let me lose you. 
I've already decided that I will,
but somehow
I know that you can stop it from happening.

None of it is real.
it's all some fantastic creation of the spirit,
a whimsicle coincidence
that just so happens to define life

Why is it that I have faith?
Why do I have faith in you?
I already know that you will fail me.
I'll be left to fend for myself, wiping the dirt from my face.

Yet I draw you up by the hand
save you from your demise-
when I already know
that your existence
will be the death of me.

The block question

Love is on of those things that ages- not always like wine, sometimes like old milk. It's really in the eye of whoever believes they have it. --- who really has the right to tell you what love is and isn't? Sure people will try and tell you that you are confused- when the reality is that they are confused. There is no justification for love, it's one of those weird events in nature- like blackholes- that we don't have much of a logical explanation for. Until sentience can be explaned, love can't.  

singles add

white female 17- amazingly crazy, nice hair, great body, ex-model (more cultural less high fashion) seeks male 17-25- sentimental, engaging personality, crazy tendencies, with character. -- go ahead and respond if you read this and are interested, considering I have few friends on this site... it's unlikely

hey sadness, will u dance with me?

I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my entire life. My eyes hurt from crying and I think I'm going to puke. My dad just gave me the worst lecture in the history of lectures. He just reminded me that I don't really have any friends and that nobody really cares. If I just jumped off a building right now, no one would even know the difference. I'm that girl people invite to their birthday party when there mom says they can invite as many people as they like, but not when their mom says  the limit is five... somehow there just isn't room for me anywhere. I've never had a best friend. I thought Zoey was my best friend when we were in junior high, but I couldn't explain why I was always the on to call her, and never the other way around. I thought Jessica was My best friend when I was in 9th and 10th grade... and she hasn't really talked to me since I moved. I don't know if I can do this anymore. What's so horrible about me that I can't find a friend? Sure I have plenty of "friends" but it's not like they call me outside of school. School is like some stupid act that I put on when underneith all the crap I'm falling appart and don't even want to live anymore. I can't even get a fucking date to prom. I chopped off all of my hair thinking that I'd feel better somehow, but I don't think anything will work.  

I feel somewhat numb

I don't know why, but I feel numb... it's like I'm watching a movie and I'm the leading role. I'm almost invisible. Maybe I should take advantage of this. 
   On another note, I think I've figured out what I want to do for my senior seminar project- it's going to be a compalation of things that all tie in with a basic theme "how be the best senior you can be". I'm going to start a trash pick-up club, teach the health classes about schitzophrenia, get the ingredients of the lunch menu posted, become a bbbs mentor, get into college and apply for scholarships. So basically it's going to be awsome, but also hard work.

it's friday isn't it?

I've decided that I want to be one of those freakishly thin girls- the kind that you can pick up with an index finger. This isn't to say that I'm going anorexic, im just thinking thin thoughts ... lol. OH MY GOD..... it's the weirdest thing, I feel like i've been in a month-long hangover. I actually like the way my hair looks when it's all messed up. There's something sexy about short hair when it's sticking up in all directions. 
  I messed around with some of my clothes yesterday, that was fun - I was so rediculously bored. It's funny that I'm saying this, but I really miss school, I can't wait to start my senior year! I'm distiguished ha ha. Since I'm on the subject of waiting, my camera is supposed to be back pretty soon- I might just have to check on that, call them up and what not. I need to take some more picture, my creative zen screaming for a lense. ... I think I'll go do that now

I really want some underwear right now... it's like a craving... must shop for underwear- not that I don't have enough, I have enough thongs to floss an army. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'm so freaking hyper right now, I don't know what's come over me- I'm thinking like a million miles a minute- I'm going stir crazy! I've been in this house for tooooooooo long. I need to get out and go somewhere but I don't know where to go or what to do... just that I need to for sanity's sake. 
   breathing in........ breathing out....... okay I'm somewhat calm now.

too much tele

 I've watched way too much television in the past month. It's pretty much crazy. My mind has been subject to so much media and televised marketing that its quite remarkable that I'm not a vegitable right now. 
   on another note, I'm reading this book that my grandmother wants me to read before visiting her A Guide to Rational Living. I've come to the conclusion that my personality is disturbed or wrather that I allow things to influence my emotions in a disturbing way... that doesn't sound quite right still... I allow myself to be easily disturbed by other people's actions- there we go, that's more like it. I can come to terms with the fact that I have a problem- that is after all the first step to fixing one- and it helps that it's "rational" because really what is the deffinition of "rational"... _ being able to reason, grasping stability- these are all the things that I've been looking for in my life, but didn't actually take action to acheive.
 I can't find anything interesting on the website for the University of Sydney and I'm pretty sure that it is the one my dad told me about. The only reason that I even bothered with it, I believe, probably has to do with some psychological need that I'm trying to fulfill. I know I have family in Australia and I guess I'm observing my own inadequacies. Some how, at some level, I don't feel like I'm getting what I need out of my family here, but maybe I should be considering what the real problem is- I'm not giving enough back to my family here and therefore I'm blaming it on them and that's resulting in my lack of apreciation... The only way I've seen fit to deal with this relational incongruency is to lock myself up in my bedroom and pretend that it doesn't exist- all while watching television that is completely irrational and pretending that that is the reality, when in fact, it is strictly the opposite. I don't think I truly need Australia to satisfy my psycho-emotional needs, I just need to participate in my life and find out what it is that I really truly want out of it. Some how I don't think that it will be so easy to do that if I spend all my time locked in my room. It's necessary to spend some time planning these things, so I'll pardon myself for today- because I've made such a profound leap- but tomaro I'm taking the bus somewhere, to remind myself that I'm strong enough to venture out into the world, I'm ready to go that extra mile.